Anatomy of a Move - pt. 4
Part IV - Originally Penned on 2/23/2024
At the very end of 2022, my biological father, who I didn’t meet as a fully sentient being until I was 32 years old, (a whole other wild story), reached out to me and asked me if he could help me at all financially? A previous version of me would likely say, “oh no, you don’t have to do that.” But as stated before, since early 2021 I had committed to doing some deep inner work and I found no reason why 1, I should lie, 2, turn down something that was being freely offered by my biological father who hadn’t been able to help much in my youth, or 3, deprive myself of something I could put to great use when it was CLEARLY something I needed. So I graciously accepted his kindness. When he decided to reach out and ask, I was shocked and thrilled. I was starting to find some stable footing financially, but nothing major to speak of. I still wasn’t able to regularly add to my savings account or build up any kind of a nest egg. I was determined to find a new living situation and working hard to prove I was worth it. ***Note: this is a fallacy. Hard work doesn’t determine your worth. You’re worthy simply by existing, remember? This is some hard wired conditioning that I’m still working through.***
The offering was a little enigmatic. No mention of an amount and it came out of left field. He acknowledged a conversation we had when I was in London a couple weeks before where I divulged the bankruptcy story, and I think that took him very much by surprise. I didn’t ask him or anyone else for help. Another bit of conditioning that I’m working on. But I think the fact that I didn’t, and I just took my medicine, hit him hard. According to him, he had recently had some good luck with a business decision, so he had some financial surplus to work with and wanted to send some my way. This, to me, was beyond any generosity I had ever recieved. Earlier in the year my mother had also shown me some unexpected generosity in another way, and it almost made me cry. Neither of my parents has been particularly present (in the more modern use of the term) in my life, so to have both of them in one year show me generosity on a scale that neither of them ever has, was kind of a breakthrough moment for me. I can’t discount the work I had been doing in The Shem HaMephorash and Pathworking as contributing to the influx of kindness being ushered my way. When you start to heal, it seems to be almost universally true, that inexplicably good things start to happen. When you start to show up for yourself, other energies in the universe want to support you, and they do. Coincidence? I don’t know her. And now, financially, I was able to move.
On Monday, February 20th, 2023 – President’s Day, I went to check out an apartment available nearby. It was in a complex I had been spying fairly frequently in passing. It was on the way to and from the home of two of my favorite people who I spent many days a week with when things were slow at work. It seemed clean and quiet and established. I looked up the rents online and it was just barely within my budget, but within. Rents in Los Angeles and the surrounding areas are sky high. But I couldn’t wait any longer. The relationship with my roommate was becoming more and more strained by the day. My patience was thinning to the point where I had screamed at her more than once, out of sheer frustration. That is not reasonable or acceptable in any way. This is not the environment I want to be living in and unless you’re paying my bills or giving me orgasms, I won’t even acknowledge the possibility of fighting to the point of screaming. Yet, there I was.
I checked out the apartment and it was tiiiiiiiny. I mean, so smol. But at the time, I was living in a room. One bedroom of another person’s home housed most of my belongings, and if I could live there, I could live in a Jr. one bedroom / one bath apartment with my very own bathtub, living space, kitchen, and backyard. Just reminiscing about this process is making me emotional, jeesh. It’s Pisces season though, so I suppose that’s to be expected. They showed me two units, one was a little bigger, but it was in the middle of everything. Having a curious four-legged angel beast dog who doesn’t like people approaching her home, that could prove to be a terrible recipe for barking disaster. The second unit they showed me, however, was IDEALLY located. Tucked away in a corner, quite small, but perfect for just me and the dog. (I would be able to keep my blinds open and dance around in my underwear if I wanted to, with very minimal potential for unwanted eyes to peep.) I did a walk through, went to the leasing office, asked some questions, discussed the expectations and qualifications for leasing, and I walked out. When I got to my car, I started to panic, “Is it big enough? Will we fit? I need to see the space again. I need to visualize my things there.” So, I went back into the office and asked if I could see it once more so I could try to visualize it better. One of the maintenance ladies escorted me to the unit once more so I could reevaluate. I took video and photos this time. I walked through methodically and slow. “Is this home?”
The leasing office told me they could hold the unit for no more than 5 days. Meaning, if I wanted this unit, I needed to have my deposit and first months rent in their hands by February 25th, 2023. And if I wanted that specific unit, I needed to submit my application within 24 hours. Talk about an effing whirlwind. This is something I had wanted for years. Before the toxic man-disaster, before the boyfriend of far too many years and I even split, I had fantasies of truly living alone. Just me. No roommates, no partners. (Sometimes a girl just needs her space.) And here I was, taking steps to make it happen. For a person who suffers of lack mentality, a pervasive scarcity complex, and a constant questioning of self-worthiness, this was huge. I was believing in myself in ways I never had. I stayed in an unhealthy, rotting relationship for at least 12 years too long because I didn’t believe I could stand on my own two feet, and here I was. Not only standing but thriving!
And then, the old ways came for blood!
To be continued …