Intro To A Series.
“A Constant State… ” Vol. 1
I have spent the better part of the last 3 years digging down on myself. Excavating skeletons, exhuming past iterations, if you will. One might call it shadow work, one might call it getting in touch with my inner child, one might call it psycho-babble bullshit, one might call it self-help obsession, whatever you call it, it’s quiet and it’s humbling and neither of those states are organically comfortable for me. It takes, (sometimes unkind and unfair), work for me to be quiet. It takes (sometimes belittling) work for me to not feel inclined to add my input at every turn, - because of course, my idea is better (it usually is). See what I mean about the humble thing?
If you don’t know, I am a student of the Western Mystery Tradition. In the Western Mysteries, - including but not limited to - tarot, Hermetic Qabala, alchemy, and astrology there’s a language often used that engenders energetic, I’ll say, predispositions. One of the most popular and succinct texts, ”The Kyballion,” references the, “Principle of Gender,” in depth. Without getting too bogged down in the details of it all, this is simply an explanation of projective energy vs. receptive energy and it is in no way a hard and fast rule relating to biological sex or the concept of gender as we discuss it today.
Over the course of a very lived life there would be no confusion in stating that in virtually every capacity I am a highly projective (masculine, if one must) person. I lay it all out there. I want to know everything and see everything and share everything so that the most well-informed decisions can be made. Note the difference: I didn’t say the correct decision, just the most well-informed. In doing so, for so many years, I have hurt people. Many people. I myself, have also been hurt … extensively. This isn’t to wax poetic about the competitive pastime of trauma olympics however, this series is about coming to terms with being that person, not wanting to be that person, and trying to find a middle ground for that person. Success might be on the menu, but failure for sure will be involved.
My last serious romantic relationship ended with a bang, nary a whisper to be found. Going through that experience led me to a place that made me question everything. I had acted out. I had unquestionably gone too far. There is much to be said about how it got to that point, but that’s irrelevant to the story presented here. What is relevant, is that I found myself in a place that I didn’t want to be in and something had to change, with me.
Analysis:
I have no chill.
I need purpose.
Solitude is a curious thing that illicits even more curious reactions.
Humans are magnificent.
Physical activity is a necessity.
Connection is as required as oxygen for the human to persist. Without connection we are lost, the inner voice deteriorates, the unwavering ego will do anything and everything to protect the vessel and chaos of the psyche ensues.
The evaluation and assessment of your self is a never-ending process, (unless you give up on yourself, which I can’t condone). And I am constantly learning and discovering new things. With that in mind, I’ve decided to turn this blog into a bit of an assessment / accountability probe. For a little while, anyway. In real life, I often find myself wanting to word-vomit these thoughts seemingly out of nowhere and it makes no sense. So for now, why not here? What’s to come are some musings on what I’m currently learning, or trying to learn, and how I’m trying to intentionally interact with the lessons. Feedback will always be welcome, but I make no promises about where it might go. (That’s the best part.) You’ll note I use first person language. This isn’t to highlight me, me, me, but to intentionally speak for only myself. Intentionally, NOT projecting. (Part of the learning.) So with that, let’s roll legs!
Today’s Lesson:
I am not meant to silence myself.
Silencing myself, plainly speaking, doesn’t work. This is how I get into bigger trouble. You know how they say Idle hands do the devils work? A silent Jenn is roughly the same thing. If you have a friend, who is generally upbeat, perhaps even obnoxiously, and they suddenly go quiet … investigate further, send help, they need it. Having rendered the silence option off the table - for now at least - I realized that I am meant to do the harder thing which is edit. And that’s where this gets tricky.First of all, I despise the idea of editing myself. I’m a lot, I know I’m a lot and I’m not only comfortable with it, I actively like being a lot. In fact, I’ve been known to use words like, “choke on it, if you find me too much,” but that’s just hyperbolic peacocking isn’t it? I don’t actually want anyone to choke at all, much less on my opinions or presence. Speaking from much first hand experience; It feels good to find power in your words and your body, but not at the expense of another. And this is a common conundrum isn’t it? In order to ,“win,” a debate, someone has to, “lose,” and especially when we’re talking about a loved one, that’s a dangerous web to weave. It’s not that I want anyone to drown in my much-ness, it’s that I want others to embrace theirs and meet me with it. Even if we don’t agree, I want to know your thoughts. No, we can’t all be at 11 at all times, but if you’re a person I am engaging with, I want the good stuff. I want all the juicy, meaty bits so we can really experience each other and the world in a more authentic way.
Second, Editing is a craft and a lost art and it is by no means simple or easy. Editing is not simply keeping your pie hole on lock down, it’s much harder. Editing requires diligence, discernment, and perspective. The discipline involved in editing is rare and it requires a mastery the likes of which most people aren’t born with. So what are we looking at here? Self-awareness and care, with a healthy dose of discipline. Yikes.
The current work: Hone my communication skills to be executed when the occasion calls for it, not simply because, “my idea is better.” Maybe they need to lear that lesson? Maybe falling on their face is the move this time around? And who am I to intervene with the Universe?
The goal instead: to sink my boundless energy of a million flaming red-hot suns into helping those who can’t find their voice, find it organically. I want everyone to feel emboldened to express themselves in the way that feels completely integrated and enmeshed with their lived-experience and encourage them to use it in their way. And when needed, be that safety net / soft spot of a friend who will always catch them and help them rebound when they stumble. Note to self: How can anybody feel empowered / emboldened to speak up, when you - Jenn - are sucking up all the oxygen in a room? Edit.
I believe with all my heart that we are all here to express and experience each other as our most authentic selves. In doing so, not only do we nurture and care for the parts of us that are the most special and unique, but we also start to coalesce around the notion that we all have those unique and special roles to play on a larger scale. Separated, the members of Voltron are significant, but when they come together they are unstoppable. Each limb has a specialty and plays their unique role for the betterment of all. Voltron doesn’t save just one person, Voltron saves the world. We are all Voltron now.
If you made it this far, first, thank you, but finally, I’d love to know what you think. Does any of this sound familiar or resonate with you? Do you ever feel like you have to censor yourself? Why? When? Do you struggle with speaking your mind? Do you speak it too much? Are you working on anything? Would you want to? Am I completely off my rocker to think anyone would care to hear or read any of this? Go-bots or Transformers? ;)
Expect more topics and blogs like this coming soon, like:
I can’t expect people to meet me where I am. <coming soon…>
We don’t have to all agree. <coming soon…>
Natal chart placements as explanations of some of these - I’ll call them - “idiosyncrasies,” of mine.
And hopefully, much more …
