No Scraps

Art by Audrey Kawasaki

Can I make myself smaller?
Shivering on the ground, fetal position.
Am I choking? Why can’t I breathe?
Is this a panic attack?
I wanted nothing more than to live a life as an open book.
And I did.
And when you decided my supply
Was no longer satiating the bottomless hunger
You weaponized my vulnerability.

I’ve never felt a chill so razor sharp
Isolation blindingly stark
Frozen out of my own life
New location
Same job
No work
Friends far off
Family distant
Illness everywhere
I can’t move, there’s nowhere to go
Trapped by my own fantasy gone horror show
Humanity experiencing collective trauma
Who cares about another failed coupling?

Memories flood like silent assassins
Rain spontaneously pours on a clear California day
Tears sting my cheeks on a run
Tears when I look at a local street sign
Tears when I pack my spoons
Remembering the wholeness I felt
When you made the space for them at the start
I had landed. Soft spot acquired.

You shone an incubator light on my heart
That I’d never expected, wanted, or even knew existed
When you took it away
You stripped me bare, stole my identity
and left me raw and exposed, to fend for myself.

Enough! Problem solve, it’s what you do!
With space, distance, and education, it became clear
You’re an excellent performer of life
I accepted your red flags and lies and inadequacies
In exchange for the illusion of security
The Illusion was all it took.

If it’s security I seek, then security I shall have
By my hands
I reclaim my energy
I am the person I most want to shag
All-comers are welcome
But do so with complete and intentional offerings
To be placed upon the altar of Me
No scraps.

-She Said With Love